We’re finally here. Part 12 of 12 in our “Discipline By Design Series.”

We’ve covered learning styles and personalities, various ages, specific developmental problems, and the more difficult discipline issues that can arise.

For this last issue, I want to discuss how the climate of your home or classroom plays a major role in either increasing or decreasing your discipline problems.

Now, I’m not saying that the following principles will completely eliminate your discipline issues. But if you remember from the beginning of this series, I have stressed that discipline is not about punishing wrong actions but creating an environment and atmosphere that encourages right behavior.

The best compliment I ever receive as Head of School is when a prospective or current family says to me, “There is just something different about this school. The climate is so peaceful, warm, and inviting. We love it here.”

As The School Whisperer, I know it takes a lot of careful planning and work to cultivate the school climate you want. But it’s essential.

The same is just as true for the home. The climate you create helps point children in the right direction. Will they still stray from the path at times? Of course. They’re children, and part of their development is to test you and and see what happens.

But with the right climate, they know where to return.

Below are some general guidelines you can incorporate into your home or classroom to help cultivate the climate you want for your children:

• Have high standards for children and trust that with the right instruction and encouragement, they will meet those standards for good behavior, manners, and respect.
• Communicate your rules clearly. Nothing is worse than children who are willing to follow your lead…if only they knew what you expected of them.
• Keep most guidelines general and broad. Don’t micromanage every single possible action or decision. Instead, make rules like “Keep your hands to yourself” and “Be respectful of others.” When you see a violation, don’t let your first reaction be to punish them. Instead, gently remind them of the rule and show them how their action broke the rule, which they might not have realized at first.
• Don’t negotiate. Once you have gently reminded someone of a rule, there need to be logical consequences.
• Be open to suggestions. This is another reason to keep the rules general – it allows you to listen to input from your students and children. Getting them involved helps them invest in the climate with you, making you partners, not combatants.
• Make sure you create as warm and nurturing a climate as possible. Obviously each person has their own personality, so don’t think I mean every parent needs to become mushy and each teacher ought to give twenty hugs a day to every student. What this does mean is that children need to know you care and respect them as individuals. How you demonstrate that will depend on your personality. Just remember that there are different personalities which need different types of communication.
• Be encouraging. Take interest in children’s accomplishments and be balanced in your praise. Don’t simply praise talent, but emphasize effort as often as possible. Be specific in your comments so children see the cause-and-effect relationship between their actions and the outcome. And, please, don’t give imbalanced amounts of praise to different children but be encouraging toward everyone.
• Take personal responsibility for what goes on. Don’t blame administration or the grandparents or the school or anyone else. Instead, be proactive in finding solutions to any issues that pop up.
• Partner with your parent/teacher to form a healthy working relationship so that your child has consistent rules and expectations.
• Finally, remember that the key to discipline isn’t being tough or mean. It’s about relationships. By showing that you care, are willing to listen, and are fair, you will have already won the battle for most issues. With a little more work, you can conquer even the toughest discipline issues you face.

Blessings to you, your families, and your students and schools as you incorporate these 12 lessons into your own unique approaches. I have always been a believer in blending models and using the best I find from each one. I hope you have found some tools here that you can use.

You can also order the full DVD series and workbook here, or I can visit your school or parent group if you would like to have me come as a guest speaker. Just email me at contactus@jodycapehart.com.

If you missed any lessons or just want a refresher (almost every guideline listed today above was covered in more detail in the previous 11 parts), just start over here with Part One and move your way through.

You do the most important two jobs in the world, so keep that in mind the next time your little angels are giving you a hard time!

In parts 1-5 we discussed how to use the design and unique personality of each child to best reach him or her. Parts 6-10 discussed discipline issues that must be addressed at each different stage of development.

Our final two parts discuss where the two worlds of the parent and the teacher come together: parent-teacher relationships and each part’s role in helping create a successful school climate.

UNITED FOR A CAUSE

Parents and teachers share a unique partnership in that they both love and want the best for the same children. When this partnership is clicking and gelling, it makes life so much easier and better for everyone, especially the children.

When the relationship doesn’t work, though, it adds chaos and confusion for everyone — again, especially the children.

At one time, our society accepted that the primary responsibility for raising children belonged to the parents. Today, however, many families are hurried, harried, and just hanging on.

Thus, they have delegated part of the parental responsibility to the government, school, or caregivers. Teachers play an increasingly important role, then, in the lives of the children they see everyday.

The goal is for the teacher to work in harmony with the parent, supporting similarly held rules and desired outcomes for the child.

Sometimes the best that can be accomplished is for the teacher to provide the encouragement and boundaries the child might not be getting at home. A good teacher can help a student learn about the importance of having time away from television, phones, and video games.

Even better is when a teacher can encourage families to spend time together reading books, playing games, or just talking. It’s beautiful to see a teacher who can provide opportunities for parents to get involved at school in the classroom.

Not only does it add more helping hands in the classroom, but it gives that parent extra time with their child, as well as an opportunity to learn some tricks of the trade the teacher executes successfully that can be used at home. Plus, when parents can see all the effort and hard work that goes into creating and maintaining a successful classroom climate for learning, they tend to complain less and help more.

If you are a teacher, you cannot underestimate the importance of learning the names of your parents and getting to know them personally. Form relationships with them, send notes home about what’s going on in class, be approachable, listen first, and make sure you don’t fall into the habit of only speaking to parents when you have bad news to deliver!

If you are a parent, before you complain, help out in the classroom a couple of times. Don’t fall into trusting gossip or your child’s view without also seeing it with your own eyes. The job of a teacher is very difficult, so make sure you aren’t a thorn in their side but a source of support and encouragement.

Of course, sometimes a problem will arise. For both sides, it is first important to make sure you never act on raw emotion and always take time to process a situation. When you do meet, to help keep things calm, use the tried-but-true “sandwich method” of beginning with positive statements before addressing the issue. When you state your point-of-view, be sure to make it an “I message,” such as, “I’m having a little problem with _______, and I wonder if you could help me?”

Remember, you both want what’s best for the child. Enter these dialogues as partners, not enemies.

PARENT-TEACHER TEMPERAMENTS

Parents and teachers have personalities and temperaments, just as students do. So in your efforts to build bridges with the other, parents and teachers ought to consider the make-up of their partner in this all-too-important relationship.

These characteristics, based on the DISC model, offer insights into how we can relate to each other, receive what the other is saying, and reinforce each other’s strengths.

When you are communicating with a parent or teacher, try to identify the other’s temperament. Then use these approaches for a more successful meeting.

The High D – Dominant, Demanding Temperament

• Be firm and direct, focusing on the child’s actions
• Be brief and to the point; use logic to develop a plan to help the student
• Repeat the plan and give bottom-line goals, objectives, and a timetable

The High I – Influencing, Inspiring Temperament

• Be friendly and positive, and allow time for interaction
• First, listen as they discuss their feelings. Then direct them to a plan of action for the child.
• Offer encouragement and incentive for solving the problem

The High S – Steady, Status Quo Temperament

• Be non-threatning
• Use personal acceptance and assurance, and gently discuss ways to solve the issue
• Be patient. Allow time for them to process the information and take ownership of the idea

The High C – Conscientious, Cautious Temperament

• Prepare for initial responses to be cautious or negative
• Discuss the situation in a logical, persistent manner
• Provide a step-by-step approach for reaching the goal. Present this approach as “steps of support”

There is nothing more wonderful for a school than parents who support the teachers and teachers who partner with the parents in order to give the children the encouragement, guidance, challenges, and love they need in order to succeed.

But it takes both parties willing to work together in harmony for this to happen.

Last week we discussed some positive ways to discipline junior high and high school adolescents and students that attempted to understand their stage of development and show them dignity, respect, and trust with responsibility as a means of preventing major disciplinary disruptions from occurring in the first place.

But what do we do when we are dealing with a student, a child’s friend, or our own child who seems determined to cause us trouble, possibly even violent or illegal actions?

Again, we want to deal with this issue in a positive manner. That doesn’t mean we enjoy it or it is particularly fun. This means that we are helping this individual work toward a place of healing. Most times this begins with identifying what emotion or experience(s) lies at the core of our students’ misbehavior:

NEEDS OF BOYS WITH EMOTIONAL DAMAGE

In working with young men who had committed violent crimes, adolescent psychologist J.E. Garbarino consistently found histories of neglect and abuse. He speaks of these young men having hidden their souls in order to protect themselves from further hurt.

Unconditional love is a critical element in helping these boys survive. These young men are capable of developing and desperately need to form new, positive attachments with other adults.

Fortunately, there is an emerging body of research-based literature that provides guidance to school personnel for developing strategies to reduce the incidence of violence and effectively respond to violent activity when it does occur.

In 1995, Brendtro and Long identified the following four factors that lead to chronically violent behaviors.

1. BROKEN SOCIAL BOND

Historically, extended families or tribes provided social bonds. We have lost the tribes, the extended families, and even the nuclear family in many cases.

Today, divorce, abuse, poverty, drugs, and other forces interfere with normal parenting and disrupt many families. Adults whose own lives are chaotic cannot effectively monitor and manage children’s activities or affiliations. Nor can they spend time with children, teach conflict-resolution skills, or communicate consistent behavioral expectations.

2. STRESS AND CONFLICT

Stress and conflict in small doses are normal products of living. Most children learn to tolerate them reasonably well (Brendtro and Long, 1995). Teach them stress-management skills and constructive conflict resolution through systematic cooperative learning activities (Johnson and Johnson, 1991, 1992, and 1994).

But when stress is severe and prolonged, some students are overwhelmed and respond in self-destructive and antisocial ways. They develop defensive behavior patterns and display hostility toward adults. Schools are a major source of stress for reasons such as fear of failure, not feeling connected, or having to respond to authority figures.

3. UNHEALTHY BRAINS

Educational researcher Larry K. Brendtro has found that educators often overlook neurologically triggered aggression while concentrating on learned violence. Only an intact, rational, sober brain can control angry impulses.

Violence, however, is frequently a byproduct of intoxication. Mental illness due to neurological trauma, disease, or chemical imbalances can also cause impaired thinking and perception. In fact, half of the youths on death row have histories of brain trauma and dysfunction. Alcohol and other drug abuse chemically alter brain states, leading to loss of self-control, angry outbursts, and deadly violent acts.

4. CULTURE OF VIOLENCE

There is a pervasive pro-violent message in our culture that includes the presence and proliferation of weapons in our homes and schools, violence and depressing stories on every channel’s daily news reports and in every newspaper.

Moreover, entertainment is no longer entertaining but jars the senses and psyche with a steady stream of violent movies accompanied by loud music and dark characters. To the extent that children are allowed to immerse themselves in the current pop culture, real life is no better. The continual message and image is of dissipated and lost lives.

WHAT TO DO

Dealing positively with students and children with real damage and difficult tendencies can be extremely taxing and often does not end with much satisfaction. But we must continue to love them and do whatever we can to help ease their pain.

Remember the chart at the beginning of this post, and work to uncover and heal the hurt that lies at the core of any struggling individual child or student.

Recently I was speaking at a MOPS group and a Mentor Mom spoke before me on the importance of kids needing time to simply be kids.

As a talented and passionate piano teacher, she shared with us a little secret about her selection process for accepting potential piano students: she has the kids fill out a weekly schedule, and, get this, if there isn’t enough white space on their calendar, she won’t take on the student.

I absolutely LOVE this.

Here’s a successful piano teacher, who could make more money by taking on more students, but instead she chooses to respect the needs of a child’s life – one of which is that they have enough unplanned, unfilled time to be a kid!

She also got me thinking about this: children cannot develop their capacity for imagination when they are constantly hampered with extra-curricular activities and being shuttled about from practice to an event to another practice. Creative genius is borne from times of solitude, reflection, and unstructured play and imagination.

A jam-packed schedule isn’t good for kids developmentally. Nor does it allow them the time to truly learn how to enjoy playing the piano – or whatever activity they love.

TED TALK – “CONNECTED, BUT ALONE”

Recently I watched a TED Talk in which presenter Sherry Turkle spoke on the social and psychological effects on humans from being constantly plugged in to technological social lives.

I don’t have time here to address every aspect (so you should watch the video), but here are a few highlights to whet your appetite and get you thinking:

• Turkle says, “We’re letting technology take us places that we don’t want to go.”
• Technology is psychologically powerful; it changes not just what we do but who we are.
• Even when together, we often deny each other our full attention, whether family or friends, because we spend so much time on our phones.
• We are losing our capacity for self-reflection. We desperately want to be with each other, yet also elsewhere, and we try to control our amounts of interaction to the exact specifications we prefer.
• We hide even while connected to each other.
• Conversation terrifies us because it happens in real time and can’t be controlled, while texts, emails, and online presences allow us to present the self we want to project without our real messes and flaws – retouched for our audience, who never get to know the real us.
• We prefer small connections over deep conversations, as many tell Turkle, “I would rather text than talk.”
• Some relate to Turkle that they hope one day a more advanced version of Siri (Apple’s voice activation for the iPhone) will become like a best friend.
• We dread the painful truth that no one is listening to us, so we prefer outlets like Facebook, which gives us automatic listeners because deep down we have no confidence that we will be there for each other.
• Turkle states, “We expect more from technology than from each other” because technology appeals to us where we are most vulnerable: we are lonely but afraid of intimacy and prefer the illusion of companionship without the demands of friendship.
• Turkle laments that, “Being alone feels like a problem that needs to be solved.”
• Constant online connection only addresses the symptoms, not the true problem.
• Our current philosophy is: “I share, therefore I am.”
• We need to help the youth cultivate the ability to be in solitude, to self-reflect, out of which we learn to reach out and make true connections to others.
• “Create sacred spaces in the home and reclaim them for conversation.”

There’s even more in the full talk, so I encourage you to watch it and share it with others.

For our purposes here, Turkle discusses to what extent we remain connected to and dependent upon our technology, especially our phones. Students text and use Facebook and Twitter during school, adults answer emails and texts during board meetings, and there is no sign of this phenomenon slowing down anytime soon.

Some people have even related to Turkle about the important new skill of making eye contact while texting!

THE FUTURE FOR OUR CHILDREN…

When I wrote some articles on Nicholas Carr’s fascinating book The Shallows: What the Internet Is Doing to Our Brains, I mentioned that I am not anti-technology. That said, I fear what is happening to us as a result of being so plugged in all the time.

Even more, I fear what the effects will be – and already are – on our children.

Turkle concludes in her presentation that while we may feel technology connects us more, as Turkle herself once argued in the 1990s before we really saw how far social networking would develop, the psychological reality she keeps discovering in her studies is that human beings are terrified to be alone.

This fear of silence, of self-reflection, of being alone with our thoughts – this is nothing new for human beings. We have always had to deal with this issue.

The difference now, though, is we have a device that ensures us we never have to face more than three seconds of silence if we don’t want to do so. We can listen to music, play games, surf the Web, shop online, message friends, or do any number of activities that make us think we are connecting to others and staying busy.

But is that the same thing as true human connection? One teenager said to Mrs. Turkle, “Someday, but certainly not now, I’d like to learn how to have a conversation.”

That statement breaks my heart.

CAMP GRANDMA

Let me share with you a little bit about something I call “Camp Grandma.” This is my little weekend world I create for my grandkids where we spend a couple of days together playing, reading, swimming, gardening, baking, cooking, and just talking…without one minute of computers, television, video games, or movies.

Not because I think those things are “evil.” But because I think a full, rich life is one that includes much more than technology.

When the earlier mentioned piano teacher insists that her students have more white space on their calendars, she does not view “playing video games” as equivalent to down time or playtime. She isn’t seeking to fill all those spaces with piano lessons, either!

What she wants is for kids to be kids. Yes, part of that reality in today’s world will include technology and involvement in extra-curricular activities. The point is to do so in moderation. Children need balance. (What am I saying, adults need balance, too!) But children especially need it, and it is our job as the adults to guard and protect that for them.

When my children were young, we allowed them to pick one activity at a time with which they could become involved. When one ended, they could choose a new one or stick with the current one. Not only did this introduce them to various activities, but it did so without overwhelming them, without taking away from their time to ride bikes and play outside.

A child’s brain is not the same as an adult’s. They need healthy, long, sustained doses of unstructured free play, of time for imagination, of pure relaxation.

If we keep filling all their white spaces with activities and then stick them in front of a screen the few moments they do have free, we will be doing them a major disservice.

So put down the phones, make time for family and reading and playing, and discover the joys of Camp Grandma for yourselves!

As we  concluded last week, by the time students get to the middle school, junior high, and senior high years, issues not dealt with in elementary school have grown larger. This is a good time to remember the virtues of creating an environment conducive to good discipline while the child is as young as possible.

When we discuss discipline with these older ages, I will refer to them as “students” more often and as “children” less often. Yes, a 6th grader is still a child in many ways, as is a 17-year-old. But I want our focus for these ages to be on treating them as adults and having realistic expectations and responsibilities for them.

As it’s been said, “If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders.” This is especially true for older students, about whom I’ve discovered that the more I treat them like adults, the more adult-like they begin to act.

So let’s talk about some positive ways we can discipline these students before major issues arise. Then next week we will address more volatile and serious situations.

THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT

Remember, discipline is not about punishing behavior after it has occurred but ought to be about creating an environment that encourages positive behavior. So how do we create a climate conducive to effective discipline with the junior high student?

1. Middle school and junior high students are in the dialectic stage of development, meaning that they are disputatious – they like to debate, dialogue, and dispute everything! Provide opportunities for them to debate appropriately, with respect for others’ opinions as well as the adult. Also, as a teacher or a parent, do not be overly sensitive to disagreements with them at this stage. As I’ve written before, adolescents have a different interpretation of debates than adults do, especially parents. They need to discuss issues with you, so don’t dismiss them as disrespectful or naive. Take time to listen to them and teach them how to think things through in a respectful manner.
2. These “children” are in the awkwardness of adolescence. They are fearful, alienated, and unsure. They need to know that you CARE about them personally. Make sure they hear you say words of encouragement to them, even if they act embarrassed by it. This is often more difficult for the parent than the teacher, but the important thing to remember is that they still need your support. Maybe you don’t write cute notes in their lunch boxes anymore (as my kids were sure to tell me by this age!), but don’t take things so personally that you cease lifting them up regularly with your words and actions. For the teacher, you will find that a positive classroom leads to more positive behavior.
3. With that in mind, show no tolerance for teasing. Teasing leads to cliques and bullying. Also, refrain from sarcasm. I know some teachers and parents use it as a way to relate to this age, but these students also have major insecurities and often misunderstand your sarcasm and end up taking it as a sign that it is okay to tease others. The junior high student does not need yet another reason to become cynical, so try and avoid modeling it for them.
4. For the teacher, structure times and ways to get to know your students and for them to get to know you. You can do this with writing activities, get-to-know-you warm ups at the beginning of class, or extra-curricular events. At home, you might think you know your child perfectly, but during this age they are developing new aspects of their personality. Pay attention to this and show them that you’ve noticed. You don’t have to hover around them constantly (which they do not want!) in order to observe these small but significant changes. A simple remark from you in a positive manner can greatly encourage them that they are headed in the right direction.
5. Structure times and ways for students to become acquainted with each other’s strengths and weaknesses, personal joys, and struggles. It helps to know you aren’t alone in dealing with the ups and downs of adolescence. At home it might help them to hear you tell stories about your own struggles. NOT your stories of walking 20 miles in the snow when your life was SO much harder than theirs, but anecdotes they can relate to
6. Demystify the learning process so they begin to understand that everyone is good at something. I have written numerous books and articles on this topic and speak on it regularly. At Grace Academy we give each child a personality and learning style assessment that we use in order to help the student learn in their best language whenever possible. In the past I have also taught study skills to the 6th graders, where I walk them through their profiles and help them find practical tips for doing homework, studying for a test, and relating to a teacher they just “don’t get.” Each year the transformation is amazing, as these students emerge more confident and better-prepared for junior high and high school.
7. Praise students for their strengths in front of others. Do it regularly, and let everyone hear you say it!

UNDERSTANDING THE HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT

What can we do to cultivate a climate that is conducive to effective discipline with the high school student?

High school students have similarities to junior high students, but with a greater capacity for handling responsibility. Ideally, these students are now in the rhetoric stage. This means that they can define, articulate, and defend what they think and believe. So give them a chance to do this! Lecturing at them is not the best way to help them think through the life-decisions they are beginning to make. Conversation is what they seek, so give them your ear, your time, and a chance to express themselves.

Your attitude toward them makes a hug difference. If you treat them more like adults, they are more likely to act like adults. Find ways at school or home to give them new responsibilities that show them you trust them. Let them earn freedom and privileges as they display their responsibility and trustworthiness.

Get to know them personally. This will, of course, look differently at home than school. But the point is that you take an active interest in their development into adulthood. If you show them that you are interested in the direction their life is headed, it will encourage them to continue on that path.

Next week we will turn our attention from positive ways of avoiding disciplinary problems to handling more difficult students and situations. See you then!

Last week we addressed how fear and a need for attention and love often drive an elementary-aged child to act out. To help this child, we need to treat them with respect, respond rather than react, and defuse the situation by remembering not to take it personally but instead be empathetic in our interactions with them. Following these simple guidelines will lead that child to peace and balance.

But what do you do with more extreme situations, such as ADHD, ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder), and bullying? That’s what we will discuss today.

ADD/ADHD

One of the issues adults face when dealing with an ADD/ADHD child is that these children tend to act without thinking. Behaviorally, their actions indicate a lack of understanding of cause and effect. Children with ADD/ADHD do things without thinking about the consequences of their actions. So how would you approach them to compensate for their tendencies in this area?

One way is to prearrange cues with them so that they hear you say something when they are reacting impulsively. Perhaps you ask them to go back and do the behavior again, correctly this time. Or perhaps you create a contract that clearly spells out cause and effect.

Still, you will encounter impulsive behavior — even more than usual for kids because children with ADD/ADHD have difficulty delaying gratification and other kinds of impulse control.  To help them, sometimes it is useful to use verbalizations, such as, “I need you to write this down, ” or “Let’s push the rewind button here. How can this be different?”

It is also helpful to teach your ADD student/child to stop and think before responding. Have them count to ten silently before talking back or responding to a question from you. Reinforce and encourage their new self-control every time until it becomes second nature to them.

A sand hourglass (which is silent!) can be used to indicate periods of intense independent work and reinforce appropriate behavior during this period. Start with three-minute bunches and gradually increase the time.

For teachers it can be helpful to frequently move about the room. When you observe your ADD/ADHD student working on task, reward him or her with a simple wink or smile. Or simply say, “I like the way you are on task just now.”

A final suggestion is to consider keeping a minute timer on the child’s desk or in their bedroom. Ask the ADD/ADHD child how long he thinks a particular task will take to complete, and then let him set his own time and race against the timer.

If you encounter an ADD/ADHD child who is able to verbalize the rules correctly but cannot internalize or translate them into appropriate conduct, it is important to help them move this abstract knowledge into concrete action. Develop practice exercises for “stop and think” behavior. Ask them to model the appropriate rule that they verbalized and have them repeat the behavior, as reinforcement helps cement the head knowledge into body knowledge.

ODD – Oppositional Defiant Disorder

Brain research has shown that ODD has a physical reality within the brain. ODD can be observed at that moment when the cingulate (a part of the brain that runs longitudinally down the center of the frontal lobe) gets stuck. The child becomes fixated on arguing any and all points. When the child gets overly stimulated, the cingulate appears on a CAT scan to turn white hot.

The late Dr. Paul Warren, whom I have written a book about ADD/ADHD with and is a renowned behavioral pediatrician, uses the analogy of the brain as a train: First comes the vapor lock, then the meltdown, and then the train wreck.

Dr. Warren suggests that for children with ODD it is important to emphasize positive rather than negative communication early in the oppositional cycle.  An new parent or inexperienced teacher might say, “I want you to stop,” only to discover that this request triggers confrontation and denial. Instead, the teacher should simply state what the student is supposed to do, not what he shouldn’t do. Avoid saying “no” or “don’t” if possible. Save “no” for important situations so the child takes “no” seriously.

Let’s look at some examples of negative statements and how we can turn them into positives that do not trigger a confrontational response:

• “Don’t spill” becomes “Pour carefully”
• “Don’t yell” becomes “Use your quiet voice inside”
• “Don’t talk with your mouth full” becomes “Chew and swallow, then talk”
• “Don’t ride your bike on the grass” becomes “Ride on the sidewalk”
• “Don’t throw the ball in the classroom/house” becomes “Throw the ball on the playground/outside” or “Roll the ball on the floor”

Here are some additional difficult behaviors and some suggestions or specific verbalizations that can help handle the behavior.

1. Yelling or screaming: “I want to hear what you’re saying. When you speak too loudly, I can’t listen because it hurts my ears. Now please whisper to help my ears feel better.” “Loud voices are for outdoors, soft ones for indoors.” “You seem to be angry or upset. I can listen better when you speak more softly.” (Remember to be patient and wait for the appropriate behavior to begin).
2. Interrupting or speaking when an adult is speaking: “I’m glad you have something to tell me. But it is your turn to listen now and my turn to speak. Then we’ll trade.” (Remember to follow through and ask the child what he or she wanted to say).
3. Refusing to help with clean up: “I’ll help you put the toys/books/tools/clothes away. It’s a big job, but it can be fun when people work together. It gives us time to talk to each other.”
4. Name-calling: “She likes to be called by her right name, which is ________.”
5. Refusing to obey a direct order from the teacher: With children who may initially refuse negative consequences, such as going to time-out, set a kitchen timer for a brief period (one to two minutes) after refusal has occurred. Explain that they can use the two minutes to decide if they will go to time-out on their own or if more serious consequences must be imposed. Experienced teachers and parents insist that this method has successfully reduced the necessity to enforce negative consequences and seems to de-escalate the situation.

BULLYING

I have written a recent article about this for 380 Guide as well as in my book with June Hunt, Bonding with Your Teens through Boundaries. The topic will also appear in our follow-up, Bonding with Your Children through Boundaries. The point is, the topic is important and pops up all the time. Bullying can be defined as a clear power imbalance that is used to cause physical, emotional, or psychological harm or injury during repeated and chronic instances of aggression and intimidation targeted toward a specific individual. How can we stop bullying at home or at school? Here are 22 suggestions.

1. Understand that it is often modeled after behavior observed elsewhere.
2. Understand that fear is at the core of the bully and his/her behavior.
3. Discuss bullying openly at home or in class and ask if anyone has seen it happen.
4. Involve children, especially at school, in establishing rules against bullying.
5. Provide activities and discussions regarding the negative effects of bullying.
6. Teach all children to respond to a bully by walking away rather than by confronting the bully.
7. Teach all children that they must report it if they see a bully at work. If they do not intervene or report the incident, they are now involved.
8. Develop a plan to ensure that students know what to do if they observe bullying.
9. Set firm limits for unacceptable behavior.
10. Take immediate action when bullying is observed or reported.
11. Confront bullies in private, not in public.
12. Consistently apply non-hostile, non-physical consequences for violations.
13. Notify parents of both the bully and the victim.
14. Be aware that bullying occurs in the bathroom and on the playground and monitor those areas.
15. Refer both bully and victim to counseling if appropriate.
16. Teach about respecting other people’s rights. Don’t assume the child knows this.
17. Constantly stress how other students feel.
18. Teach everyone the Golden Rule.
19. Use role-playing to teach how to negotiate rather than force one’s will on others.
20. Keep a record of bullying incidents. This will help to identify whether anything in particular is causing the child stress and setting him/her off.
21. In the fifth grade, encourage students to read Wounded Spirit by Frank Perretti.
22. Discuss a plan that you can implement in your school or home to deal with the bullying issue now before it becomes a problem. If it continues into high school, it can become much more serious, so it needs to be dealt with and planned for early on.

Next week we will discuss junior high and high school students and how to use our discipline principles on older students. See you then!

Last week we discussed some ways we can cultivate the climate for preschool-aged children. Today our focus will be on helping difficult elementary students find peace and balance at home and in school.

At the core of any disruptive or difficult child are deep hurts and a hunger for love and attention. Much of their outbursts, and sometimes even anger, stems from fear – fear of not being loved or accepted. If we can start with a nurturing heart, we can overcome many of these obstacles and love students to wholeness.

PRACTICAL APPROACH

On a practical level, however, we need some ways to intervene. It is safe to say that the more intense the individual child, the more intentional the intervention needs to be. A significant amount of disruptive behavior breaks out because the child does not know how to proceed. They have experienced failure and its repercussions, and so they fear facing it again!

With that in mind, try this approach: describe the outcome you expect. Have your child(ren) or students paraphrase back to you what you just said. Be specific in your instructions. Describe in concrete terms what you see and how you feel. Do not simply say, “You’re doing a good job.” Tell the child specific things such as, “I like the way you put away the toys by yourself this morning.”

Give children special and close attention. Some children respond best to a prearranged cuing system, which especially comes in handy in public or in class. In this type of system, the parent or teacher gives a visual signal (touching the ear) or verbal phrase (“Remember, I’m looking for good listeners”) when a targeted inappropriate behavior occurs. The cue reminds the child to correct their behavior without direct confrontation or loss of self-esteem.

RESPOND – DON’T REACT

When we react, we are in flesh. What we want to do is respond in the power of the Holy Spirit. Move slowly toward the child and count to ten silently as you go. Use nonverbal cues to avoid embarrassing him. Never belittle him in front of his peers. Both he and the other children know that he stands out. If the teacher or parent belittles the child, then the other children will sense permission to belittle that child as well.

DON’T TAKE IT PERSONAL

An episode of acting out may be the result of what happened in the child’s life an hour or a day before the event in question. Lots of us are quick to blame ourselves. Please don’t. Sometimes a parent or teacher takes a hit from a child just because they’re there. Don’t worry about the provocation. Realize that your role is to help the student put his or her world back together.

DEFUSE THE SITUATION…

…before it becomes a confrontation. A confrontation is a lose-lose situation. No one likes to be backed into a corner. The goal of discipline is not to control but to be skilled guides and facilitators who help children learn to know, love, and love again within an orderly environment.

TREAT THE MISBEHAVING CHILD WITH RESPECT

Always treat a child with respect. Plus, by remaining polite, you don’t allow the child to pull you into the bad guy role. Calmly and gently take the child aside and deal with him or her individually rather than in front of others, whether in class, in public, or with other siblings. By doing this, you take the child out of the negative limelight.

BE EMPATHETIC

Approach the unruly child with the attitude that you’d like to know what is going on in his or her mind so you can help. Say, “It seems like you’re having a rough time today. May I help?” This is a polite way of telling the child that you expect better behavior than what you just witnessed.

Next week we will spend some more time discussing ways to deal positively with issues such as ADD, ODD, and bullying in the elementary years.

This article originally appeared in my monthly newsletter this past March.

What do you think about this time of the year when Easter is almost upon us?

Do you look forward to springtime weather and new life?

Are you anticipating the Easter Sunday service and saying “He is risen, indeed!” in unison with the church Body?

Perhaps you enjoy the progression from Good Friday to Easter Sunday, with all the reflection that comes with it as you remember all the many ways God has shown you His infinite love, mercy, and grace.

Maybe you’re like me and love seeing a young child experience their first Easter when they truly begin to “get” why Easter is so significant.

CELEBRATING THE EASTER SEASON

Whatever the case for you, I hope this year you will take time to reflect on the entire Easter season.

Lynne Thompson has written a wonderful article on Focus on the Family’s website about the importance of celebrating Easter for much more than one day.

I could not agree more. There is so much you can do with your family or students during the Easter season to deepen your children’s appreciation of this cornerstone of our faith.

Focus on the Family has additional articles you can read through that are linked with the above article from Lynne, and you can search my website and read last year’s Easter newsletter for more ideas.

The book The Legend of the Sand Dollar by Chris Auer is an inspirational story of hope for Easter. I would encourage you to read it with your children this season.

A WALK TO THE CROSS

A major reason I advocate spending more than a day or a weekend reflecting on Easter is because Jesus himself spent more than a day or a weekend in preparation for the miraculous work He performed over those three days.

In fact, I love teaching my students at chapel about the amazing walk to the cross that actually began from the beginning of time, from the very first pages of Scripture! The entire Old Testament points towards Christ, and our children need to know this.

While they are young, you can start them with simpler ideas about all that happened Easter weekend, and as they get older, you can back up and begin to show them how Scripture again and again points to Jesus’ death and resurrection as the fulfillment of both the Word and of history itself.

This is something that requires more than a day to explain and grasp. Just as Jesus walked to the cross — rather than sprinted — so, too, must we walk alongside with Him, learning about the significance of each moment that led to His sacrifice for our sins.

The story begins when God creates the world and continues into eternity. At the center is Jesus slowly but diligently carrying His cross to be killed for us yet by us.

I don’t know about you, but something that significant takes me more than a day to wrap my mind around. Take the time to teach it to your children this Easter season, and by doing so teach yourself more about God’s infinite love for us.

This post originally appeared in 380 Guide‘s recent publication.

At first glance, these A,B,C,D’s aren’t very cheery; in fact, they could be perceived as downright depressing. Just reading these words might make you want to go back to bed or find a fairy tale version of parenting in which you know the ending will be “and they lived happily ever-after. The end.” Then you can exhale.

As I tell my parents at Grace Academy of North Texas, life today in the parenting lane is fast. So let’s find some defensive driving tips for handling aggression.

A: Alertness, attention, and awareness. As a parent, you have to be alert to the dangers of the potential aggression coming at your child. Before you pull on your Momma and Poppa Bear gloves and get ready to fight, let’s assess them.

• Aggression abounds in our culture. Pay attention to the messages your child may be getting from television, commercials, video games and even friends.

• Be alert and establish a bully-free environment in your own home by cultivating a spirit in your family that says I love you, trust you, hear you, value you, respect you, believe in you, and am here for you. I want you to feel safe.

• Set a zero-tolerance level on bullying by holding your child accountable for offensive behaviors, enforcing appropriate repercussions related to offenses, and providing opportunities for your child to make restitution.

• Monitor aggressive video games, movies and television programs, social relationships, music, and music videos.

B: Bullies, Bystanders, and Bullied. There is an excellent book, The Bully, the Bullied and the Bystander by Barbara Coloroso. I heartily recommend it for parents. Sometimes we are so busy looking for the big bad bully who might hurt our child that we neglect to look in our own backyard. Of course, we are sure our child could never be the bully. This book gently helps you look for signs in case it is your child. Gulp. I know, time to get another cup of coffee.

But, bystander. This is the one we tend not to think about: the child who stands by and lets another bully a friend or get bullied. This book addresses the signs and what to do about it.

And, of course, the bullied – every parent’s worst nightmare. What to do, how to handle it and where to go for help: June Hunt and I address the complexities of this issue in our book Bonding with Your Teen through Boundaries.

C: Connections, Communication and Conflict Resolution. Everyone wants to feel connected – it is one of our primary needs. So, we communicate. And because we are human, we sometimes have conflicts. It’s a conundrum.

Communicate with your children; the dinner table is a good place to start this dialogue. Allow each person to share about their day – the highs and the lows. Encourage your children to be detectives. “Look for ways in which television, commercials, billboards, video games and even your friends, tried to get your thinking to go a certain way. What did they want you to think? Do you actually agree with it?  What do you believe? Why?” You want children who have convictions and can articulate what they believe.

Conflict resolution is a life skill. If we teach it to our children when they are young, we can help them not to resort to being a bully with their hands or words, in order to get what they want.

D: Discipline, Decide, and Determine. Oh dear, there’s that pesky word…discipline. That’s the part of our parental job description we would like to skip right over, isn’t it? But when we decide to establish boundaries with the issues that are important, and determine consequences for crossing over those boundaries, parenting can become more joyful.

Let’s say that your little cherub has decided to be a little bully with his fists or her words. Or, you discover that your teen is using the computer or cell phone to ruin someone’s reputation via cyberspace. These actions require strong responses on your part – not emotional reactions, but carefully thought-through responses.

―   Decide on a consequence for each that is related to the deed. The purpose of a consequence is to retrain the brain and transform the heart. For the little one who used his fists to get a point across, he can now find three ways to use his hands to help, serve, and love that person.

―   For the little darlin’ who used her words to gossip and malign, she needs to go out of her way to use her words to encourage and edify that person.

―   The teen needs to know that you will have a “Sherlock Home”: you will inspect what you expect. Cell phones, texting, and computer trails may be followed at a moment’s notice. But more importantly is the heart. Help your teen move to sincere repentance and restitution with the other person.

Be a proactive parent. Model to your children and teens by showing them kindness, being considerate, expressing unconditional love, and listening attentively. Establish boundaries that are defined, fair, clearly communicated, and consistently enforced in a respectful manner. Create a home in which you are attentive to aggression, establishing boundaries, teaching communication skills, and providing desirable discipline. You can do it, one step at a time…A-B-C-D!

Now that you’ve done your prep work in parts 1-5 and created your own system of discipline, we can shift our focus from theory to practice and see what discipline looks like in the classroom and home.

Beginning with preschool-aged children and moving all the way through high school, over the next five weeks we will take a closer look at what works and doesn’t work for each age group: preschool, elementary, junior high, and high school.

Whether your children are young or whether your students are older, it can be beneficial to carefully consider all the age groups, so that you know where they’re headed or what building blocks they may have missed out on earlier that shows up in their current behavior.

So let’s get started by talking about those precious little ones: preschool kids.

THE ABSORBENT MIND

Educationally speaking, one of the great influences on my life has been the outstanding work of Dr. Maria Montessori. In her work The Absorbent Mind Dr. Montessori points to the unique time of a human being’s life from birth to age five in which their minds are literally being formed as they absorb everything around them. Children during this phase show a greater capacity to learn than any other phase in life – including adult life.

Because this time period is so crucial, educators and parents have turned their attention to the needs of children at this age. One of the greatest needs these kids have is for order. Preschool children crave routine, predictability, and constancy. It is through patterns that they begin to make sense of their world and test out the many different theories about the world that, as Dr. Patricia Kuhl calls them, these “little scientists” are constantly forming, testing, and rethinking.

These young children are extra-sensitive to their environment during this time, and we are actually laying the foundation for an internal order that will serve them well for their entire lives.

So let’s talk about how we can cultivate a climate that is conducive to positive growth, learning, development, behavior, and even discipline in your classrooms and homes.

CULTIVATING THE CLIMATE

1. Create an environment appropriate for small children, not adults. In the home, this does not mean that every room in the house becomes miniature, nor does the classroom teacher remove their desk and sit in the small chairs only! What this means is that you consider the perspective of the child and rearrange pertinent items accordingly. For example, place reading materials at preschoolers’ eye level and not at the top of the room. Make signs, art, and furnishings child-sized. Use decorations that peak their interest and are warm, fun, and inviting.

2. Have a predefined routine for everything. Try a song such as “Eyes on me by the time I count to three” to transition to something else, signal them to give you their undivided attention, or make it known that they are becoming too rowdy. Music provides an effective way to discipline without raising your voice.

Remember, discipline is not about punishment so much as it is about creating a climate that is orderly, fair, and predictable. Don’t wait until chaos reigns to begin redirecting them to the behavior you desire. Whether you have a class of 25 or one-on-one time with your three-year-old, they desperately need you to help them maintain order, even if it appears that they prefer chaos. They don’t. Memorize this: Children do not want to be out of control. This is a truth you can take to the bank.

3. Practice your procedures. For example, everyday in the classroom you should practice one procedure – class opening exercises, class closing exercises – and continue building until each student knows it all by heart and respond immediately and appropriately. Even for the small things, it helps to ask, “How do we close the door?” and “What do we do when we sneeze?”

At home, before-school and bedtime routines are excellent training ground. As kids get older, sometimes it’s fun to break a routine now and then. But while they are young, children thrive on being able to demonstrate to you that they know what comes next and how to proceed. It gives them a sense of confidence and autonomy that will help them throughout in life.

4. Turn boring routines into fun games. I’m not saying you have to entertain children 24/7. I’m simply trying to point out that making things like clean up time fun can transform the way children respond to those tasks. For example, you can reward good clean up conduct with the opportunity to wield the “mighty magnifying glass” to see if all the books are on the shelf, all paint bottles put away, etc.

5. Direct and redirect children’s actions into the correct course time and time again. There is no need to lecture at this age. They have just forgotten and need a reminder.

6. Create a Kindness Tree and add one new apple each day for the most extraordinary act of kindness.

7. Create learning centers where children can go to classify and organize information using all their senses. And this is not simply in the classroom. A home can also become a wonderful environment for discovery. The objective with these centers is for the children to remember it, retain it, and retrieve it.

8. Inspect what you expect. The adult should be attentive to what the children are doing, moving about the classroom, or getting involved at home. As the adult, you are the focal point of energy in the room. Think of yourself as the conductor of an orchestra.

9. Be diligent in your preparation. This is especially important for the classroom teacher, but the parent at home also needs to have games, songs, books, and activities organized and ready to be whipped out at a moment’s notice if needed.

10. Demonstrate unconditional love. Remember, children at this age are especially absorbent of everything they see and hear. The classroom teacher should greet children with a hug and a loving word: “I missed you and was so excited to see you today,” “How was your night?”, and “What did you do that was fun?”

Likewise, the child at home needs to know their parent loves them despite their flaws and mistakes. Tell them there is nothing they can do to lose your love and support. And model for them how you want them to treat others by treating people you encounter with kindness, whether while running errands or at home toward your spouse and other children.

THE DEVELOPMENTAL CYCLE

At this age, mental and physical development influences behavior more than personality or temperament does. There is a distinct rhythm or pattern to child development. During the even years, children tend to be more assertive. During the odd years, they tend to be more introverted and reflective.

• Age One: They are in the dart and dash stage of development, and there is little pattern to their behavior.
• Age Two: They are now exploring who they are apart from the parent or other adult. They seek independence and autonomy.
• Age Three: They may be whiny and clingy or return to thumb-sucking and other infantile behavior.
• Age Four: Expect lots of energy and loud laughing. Many four-year-olds seem to have ADD characteristics, but that is just their developmental stage.
• Age Five: They are sweet and loving and will draw you pretty pictures and notice how nice you look.
• Age Six: They tend to be assertive and possibly aggressive.

DISCIPLINARY TECHNIQUE FOR THE PRESCHOOL CHILD

1. Go to the child.
2. Make eye contact and wait for them to look at you.
3. Cup his or her face in your hand.
4. Repeat the rule very softly so that no one else can hear you say it.
5. Ask the child, “Do you understand me?” and wait for a “Yes, ma’am” or “Yes, sir.”

The next two weeks we will talk about discipline and the elementary years. See you then!